The Maturation of a Black Pen: Marriage and the Men Who Won't

"Yeah, we had bought our second house, to use as income property, and then she said to me, 'You know, we might as well get married now, James.' So then I said, "Oh what the heck?"

You have just read a typical African-American marriage proposal. Now, before the bourgeoisie get bent out of shape and blast me with video of their romantic marriage proposals under the Eiffel tower, please wait. I said TYPICAL African-American marriage proposal. Where the women wait around for many years too long as the men keep an eye out for that one more piece of ass before they take that funeral march to the altar.

Survey black couples today and you wil find a number of these non-traditional proposals. Couples who have ated for many years or men who, after several long term relationships and even a child or two by another single person, they decided to settle down. It smacks of last resort, ultimatims and pathetic childish behavior on the part of men who know, after all, that the sister will wait for me. Hell, she has waited this long.

I have surveyed black men over and over while having cigars at Shelly's and watching the game (yes, girls to FIND the men you must GO to where they are!). They all say the same thing. They are accomplished degree professionals who are identical in thinking to the baby-daddies running the streets of the hood. They want it all and the perception that they have women in every port: on the Vineyard, in Miami, at their law firm or at the alumni reunion, and they are living the life of Riley is greater than committment, conscious and consideration for their community. They do not even deny, when you ask them why at 38, 39, 40 they remain single, that they are selfish and living for superficial things and gains. Some even father children with successful women out of wedlock to fulfill vain desires. But, marriage? No.

We as women feel embarrassed and humiliated. The chip on our collective shoulders grows bigger each year as we age not having been chosen in our twenties, or even thirties by a man. I know the women who have been prentending this is a perfectly fine circumstance will take issue with my every word. But I am allowing you to peek behind the curtain here. Women want marriage and the partnership whether a picket fence is involved or a condo in Manhattan, we were reared to expect love and family. We sompensate for this loss in many ways. Unfortunately, the less money one has, the more destructive our solutions to the challenge.

Who suffers? Back in the day, there were families of teachers and professionals living alongside single, lower income, workers and apartment dwellers. There were models within the community that people aspired to and achieved. We cannot apologize that the destruction of our black families begins with men and perpetuates the fatherlessness that they all have endured. It is as if men are asking themselves, "Why did my father leave us? Why was he so selfish?" and then without realizing - or maybe intentionally - they exhibit the same behavior. "Ahhhh. I see." The women, the vanity, my life my way..." Sad.

Okay so why is this issue not as prevalent in White America? Why does any self-respecting non-gay man on the fast track marry his college sweetheart and have kids and a mortgage as the foundation of their climb up the corporate ladder? Do they cheat? Sure! These are the men for whom strip clubs were invented. Business travelers! Not the seedy druggies who also worm their way in. No, trust me it is the corporate dollars that keeps that industry humming.
Can black men take a lesson from the white ones? I am smiling now because I knwo my activist readers are going to challenge me to stop jocking white people. I am not. I am "jocking" marriage an the family, a concept that our community - our men in particular - fail to grasp.

The bottom line is: if you do not lok at exceptions and seek the rule, our communities are much stronger ith married couples and black families in it.

On the horizon are men who understand this. And they may not be chocolate flavored ladies, so keep your eyes out for the vanilla ones too!